you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
