We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
