Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
