Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
