All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
