FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
