There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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