so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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