we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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