2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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