I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
