My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
