my phone needs a breathalizer
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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