Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize