We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
