im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
