the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
only you would photoshop your dick
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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