So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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