So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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