Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
