I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
