I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The beer is more important than you right now.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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