god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
