yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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