Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize