I accidentally had phone sex last night
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
