i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
