I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
