my phone needs a breathalizer
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
