Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
