Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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