I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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