Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
