I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
