so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
