You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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