so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
