She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
