i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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