The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You took a bar mat shot.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
