i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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