i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
COCAINE IS GR8
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
