It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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