I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
