it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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