checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
