How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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