he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
