take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
