nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
