i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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