You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
