You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
