I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
