I met the friendliest cop last night
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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