I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize