I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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